Fight – An Attempt At Apology

What should you do when all hell breaks loose? Cry? Give up? Fight?

He cried to the stars at night. Alone. When no one saw him.

He gave up on everything in life. Yes, everything. Everything except her.

He stands up like a warrior. Broken. He still fights though.

 

I have been meeting this guy from a month now, and took me hell lot of time and what do you call it? Manipulating? To take things out of him, and now, finally he spoke up. This is a letter from dear someone to dearest someone, I hope this letter finds you in good health and for once, wherever you are whatever you are doing, take a minute out from your life and talk to him.

You should just look at him when he takes you name.

The glittering of his eyes.

The shivering in his voice.

The chills that run down his spine.

I don’t know why he loves you, but just open your eyes! Please share and retweet, let’s make this reach her! I don’t know if she has moved on, I don’t know if she’s even active socially, but I know she’s a reader, and it’s her birthday todayso let’s prepare a surprise like this guy always did.

P.S. If I could write a nine-page long letter then type it and edit it, then you sure could share it, this is an attempt for this guy, who isn’t ready to give up on his love.

P.P.S. These are the exact words he said, I’m just the medium (and the grammar guy) trying to make a shout and well he doesn’t know about this, I’m just supporting, please help me in helping him.

Yes the names are changed, not written or in initials, but she would know who we are talking to.

***

Aisha, you know I’m probably very strong     intellectually, I learn quickly, understand things and I have a hand at math too; but I’m not that good mentally, because I’m not very good at handling uncertainty. It’s been 3 years since we broke up and I still cannot accept that we have. The world reminds me that we have separated every day, but I know they are all lying, now aren’t they?

You know I still hope that one day when I go to my floor, up in the elevator and when that door opens, I you would be sitting there on the stairs. I’ll look at you and give you that ‘what?’ look I always gave you when you stared at me with that wry smile, and you would walk up to me, and we are going to have the tightest hug we ever had. Or you know you are just going to keep that 7 years later promise we made, meeting after we are done with are studies? Remember? So one fine evening when I walk home from office, everyone, your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, your sister, your little brother who won’t be little anymore, and     you, everyone is sitting at my place with my mom and dad and brother and they are just talking and laughing and gossiping. I walk in, a little shocked, and look at you sitting under that photo frame you used to stare at, and you say “hey'”, “what are you guys   “, “We are getting married.”

***

I miss you every second that I’m away from you and every time I saw you passing by, on your scooty or walking or just got a glance of you from a distant mile, my love doubled for you. If we had not wasted these years in being away, and I would have got a chance to see you every day, probably we would have moved in and I got to see you every five minutes, now just think how lucky would I have been to love you so much.

But you know what did I not miss? The man… I mean the kid I was, he was so weak and fragile and…

I told you about how I took my cousins out to celebrate my 10th grade exam results and how they made fun of me, and how they called me names, and how I was the unwilling clown of the day and how they ruined my day, how it made me feel so bad about myself, and why I did not back answer them, well, now I would say that I couldn’t back answer; and do you remember what you did? You laughed.

I told you about how my dad thinks I have a spark in me and I could do anything I wish. You know how important it is for me that my dad praises me? That he says something good about me? And do you remember what you did? You laughed.

You remember… I… I… I slapped you, once? I’m still so sorry about that and I wish I never had done that, I’m so, so sorry. But at that moment I was falling weak because you were not comfortable with all those stones poking in your feet. You could have just kept my slippers on, you didn’t need to remove them, or we could have sat somewhere. At that moment, I felt weak because you wouldn’t listen and I hid my weakness with my anger because I thought you would laugh.

You asked me for one thing in that entire phase we went through, you asked me to meet you dad once. You asked a guy who was afraid that if doesn’t leave at that exact moment, he would be late for his coaching classes; to meet your dad? I was afraid Aisha, why would he accept me, I’m nothing, why would he let us be together, why would any dad do that, I was afraid     of losing you     and that fear took you away from me.

You told me that your dad told you that I would abandon you one day *chuckles* it went the other way around though. I’m sorry not my point. You know when you said that, for the first time I saw a tear drop rolling down your cheeks, a tear from a strong woman like you. Yes, I hugged you, I kissed your tears away, I was strong, but after you left I had my own sob story. I fell on my knees, weak, thinking how weak my love was, to even let you think that.

So I don’t miss that kid anymore, he was weak and I’m glad he’s dead, or at least he’s not dominant anymore. You taught me how it doesn’t matter what people say about you when you are above them, they’ll always throw some stones, you could fly higher or fall down, you taught me that my dad praising me shouldn’t be the reason I try, it should be the outcome after I’ve tried, that he should take pride in it and not give me false hopes, you taught me to be tough, you taught me to love harder, with everything I have in me, and I still love you. I learnt that I could be anything in front of you and you would accept me, except a weak me. In these years, I don’t know if I grew up, because I still slurp at my frooti, but I did grow stronger.

***

You know I personally never liked you friends, but well I guess that’s because I don’t like my friends too. Well, your friends, why on earth did they have to spoil my every surprise. Yes, I’m talking about you SW, seriously, why?

I just never liked your best friend, she ruined so many of my dates, they were not dates for the ideal world, but they were the world to me! For an hour in the entire day, after my college, my classes, my practices and after every damn thing, I get to meet you and she calls you up, tells you to come over, it was some stupid thing with her and we had to cancel.

And you know, I agree I talked to SW, I agree I never liked football and still don’t, but I talked football with her, but you read our conversations right, yes they were long but you did read where they started and ended? I asked her every time that did she ask you; and if she could make us talk once again, solve our little fight. I agree I talked to your best friend too over the phone, but ask her what was the first thing I spoke. I thought it worked too, for you called me, exactly seventeen minutes later, but I never knew we are going to fight on the phone, but I still thought we are good when we started talking again after it. I never messaged or called any of your friends after that, until I realized how wrong I was, when two weeks later we broke up.

You know if it was up to me, and your friends would still have been in contact with me, I swear I would have done it all over again. Hoping that would at least talk to me right now, just this time I would not expect a “I love you”, or “Let’s meet” or ever a “HI, how are you?”, though I have thought of so many conversations with you and how they would go when we meet. This time I would expect you to be really pissed at me, but at least you would talk to me.

But you know, for once let me praise your friends, instead of blaming them for ‘you’ – ‘me’. If your best friend wouldn’t have been there, ‘we’ would have never been, and probably I would have never become friends with her boyfriend and he would have never turned out to be a brother to me, though I blame him too for ‘you’ -‘me’, but still. If it wasn’t for SW, we would have not talked when I was at that overnight picnic to Lonavala. If it wasn’t for KB, we would have never talked again after we were caught by your uncle, and if KB never told me you like that greeting card at that shop in middle of Matunga, I would have never got to see your face when I told you “You should move on, forget about me, I’m dying… blood cancer… I know you wouldn’t believe, so I bought my reports along” and you held that card in that cover for entire three minutes before you pulled out and shouted “I knew it, what hospital make red reports? Tell me?” I could still see your face, I remember it so well, that shock, awe, gasping and hyped heartbeats. I’m sorry but I love you, and I love the faces you make.

***

Even though probably we didn’t do so well, but we had our moments, and you know what they are enough for me to live a life with them. I would rather die thinking of them, over making new ones with someone else. I hope you still have my white Samsung earphones. You kept them in your pink pants. I just love those pants by the way.

Walking with you and teasing you, pulling your legs and hugging you after that, these are the moment I still cherish, but I would never forget the face you had when I gifted you that ambigram and you looked at me like, like I looked at you every time we stood under that leaning tree. Walking back home with you after our classes and walking to classes and getting late every time for that morning lecture is something I still miss.

Do you still wonder why I gave you that white rose and not red? And do you still feel the need to ask me where do I keep my locker keys? My Facebook passwords is still the same, you could use my ID, only the login notifications are on, because I just want to know if you still do. Please use it once. Do you still eat Dairy Milk Silk? I just want to know, because next time we meet, I would bring one with me and when you say you need to leave and you are getting late, I would pull it out, and say I forgot that I bought it for you and you just couldn’t say no to it, and I would get those extra fifteen minutes with you. I wish to give another prelims exams or final exams of the 10th grade, because we shared the class and I could stare at you through the exam time and when you look back and go “what?” I would just pretend I was thinking. Or give that geography exam again and attempt extras and make you wonder if I completed that. Or that algebra exam where you lost five marks and cried? We could even keep that no hugging week challenge again, and I could you know… probably say nothing more without breaking down now. I guess that kid woke up. He says, he’s sorry and that he too, loves you.

You know I don’t know if you love me anymore, heck I don’t know if you even think about me, do I even cross your mind? But I have come to love this idea of feeling raw, where you know for once I could do what I want. The entire world is onto me, “stop thinking about her”“She is not coming back”, “don’t expect anything” and I could for once tell them all that, “I don’t expect anything, I dream, I wish” and that I could love you without a reason and no one could stop me, not even you.

People ask me if I could move on, I say I don’t want to. They say I’m never going to be happy with you, they don’t know anything, do they? People say… well they say a lot of things, who cares? But, you know why I love you? Even I don’t.

You know what I miss about you? 

Walking with you, miles, especially against the sun, so I could see your hazel eyes glimmering.

You sending me 95 messages when I’m mad at you and don’t even text you through the day. Reminding me everything we had and saying sorry so many times!

Listening at a crying you because you thought I was dead in a bus crash in Jammu. Prepaid phones don’t work there sweetheart!

You not letting me hold you, but you clinging onto my arm.

You calling me at 3 a.m. because you are afraid of under bed monsters.

You pacing up your words to fit a long story in a small span so that you could talk more, and then laughing because you could no longer control your pacing words.

Telling me things several times, saying it just like the way you told them first.

You looking away and laughing when you were mad at me because you don’t want me to see you laugh or I’ll stop trying.

You know what I miss about you?

When I hugged you from behind, whenever you were waiting for me or sat in my chair, or on your scooty, or it’s just every time I came to meet you and you did. 

Mish 

Mish mish mish

mish mish

*look at me from the corner of the eye* 

mish.

(I didn’t know how to write this, mish the noise you make by clicking your tongue when someone irritates you or is not listening to you or you are pissed. The clucking noise? Try it, do one line at a time, stop for two seconds before you hop to next, it’s such a cute rhythm.)

 

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